“I hate my life.” I am ashamed to say that these are the words that often slip my tongue when times get tough, and my negative emotions get the best of me. Of course, I never mean it, and I always feel guilty for saying it, but for some reason, I do say it. It’s an ongoing struggle that I’m working on. In those moments when I’m so angry, all I seem to notice are my struggles.

Between my mom being sick and suffering for so many years, going through a separation, and taking care of my two daughters on my own, it is a lot to deal with. When my mom passed away in 2020 from COPD, the pain and sadness felt like too much for me to handle. That’s when the powerful words started to come out more often. Why my? I often wondered. I would look around and feel so lonely, thinking that nobody understands what I am going through.

I became so consumed and self-absorbed in my negative emotions that I didn’t realize the effect they might have on my children.

One day when we were at home, my daughter asked for something, like she often does. My mom’s brain can’t remember what she asked for. It was most likely to go to the store, stay up late or some other typical six year old “want.” On this particular day, for whatever reason, I said no. Instead of accepting my answer, she said “I hate my life.” When I asked her why she would say such a thing, she said “That’s what you always say, mommy.”

My heart almost fell out of my chest and that is when I realized that my attitude had to change. I decided that day, that life is too short to focus on the negative and only I can change my perspective. I had a long discussion after that with my daughter about being grateful, and I realized that I needed the talk just as much as she did.

During the second wave of the pandemic, I was feeling the effects of the isolation and still struggling with the loss of my mom. I started taking more time every day to focus on the good that I do have in my life and learned simple ways to cope with my grief.

I found an old bird feeder from around my country home and decided to put it outside. I seemed to forget about it over the next few weeks until one day I just happened to look out my kitchen window and saw a Blue Jay at the feeder. I blinked and it was gone. Soon after, I saw a Chickadee, a Woodpecker, and a Yellow Finch. And then, right before my eyes, I saw a Cardinal. In all the years I had lived at my house, I had never seen so many different birds at one time. It was amazing and beautiful. That made me stop and appreciate the little things that life has to offer. I understand now that if I look hard enough, they are all around me.

I can not change some of the bad things that happen to me, but I can look for the good in every day. This continues to help me along the way. It is also something I hope to teach my daughters. I am starting to accept that even though my mom has passed away, I am still alive and it is my responsibility to make the best of it. As I sit here today on my porch, I looked up to collect my thoughts and two cardinals flew by. Just then I thought “I love my life.” I am happy that I have adopted this new “birds eye view.”

The Secret has taught me that the Universe works in wonderful ways if I choose to believe.